Do you shop at Whole Foods? I’m willing to bet you do if you took a look at my blog name and kept reading. I’m just going to put it out there that Whole Foods exhausts me. Why? Because hipsters. Hipsters walking around with their ugly fruit (that they absolutely cannot live without in their power greens smoothies) in their ascots and Gap jeggings when there is a 105 degree heat index. I am going to share a story about my most recent experience at Whole Foods, because I need someone to relate. Otherwise I fear that I am just becoming a bitter and cranky old hag.
I was in the bulk food isle, and I hear some boisterous assclown roll up behind me and ask me to move “for just a sec”. Fair enough, I was probably in the way because I had two kids with me, two kids that wouldn’t stop FARTING IN THE ISLE AND BLAMING IT ON ME.
I moved, and he made it a point to make eye contact with me. Which is weird, because I usually just throw on my floppy hat and Lou Reed sunglasses and ignore people when I shop. But this dude was for real trying to start a conversation. I let down my personal space guard and let him in. He said “I really did the tunes here, it is like the only reason I shop here.” The conversation went downhill from there. I politely rounded my 4 year old up from the raw Kale chip samples he was shoving in his pocket and told the guy “Yeah, a lot better than the music they play in Lazarus.” (wtf, Lazarus? Is it 1996?) This is why I am anti-social. And with that, my willingness to converse ceased to exist. I headed for the eggs so I could bust a move and GTFO.
Coincidentally, he was also headed for the dairy section. OF COURSE HE WAS HEADED TO THE DAIRY SECTION. And once again corners me and points out “Yeah, this is Depeche Mode. I saw them in 87. Best concert of my life.” I smile, my pre-baby, I don’t need to set a politeness example, mind was screaming “DO I CARE, BRO?”
I put my eggs in the cart and darted for the Beer Isle. It was Friday after all, and growlers are filled for only $5. He again, met me and proceeded to comment on the song that was playing “Now they are playing Nick Cave! I told you this place has the best music, they need to have a playlist on itunes or something.”
By this time I had lost my patience. A little background about me, I’m not the best yogini in the world. I’m not even close to being a good one because I am harsh sometimes, and I have no patience with human beings. It is a daily struggle. I’m not proud of it. It is something I really do try to work on everyday. Some days I excel, others…well lets just say those days are not the days where I feel the most proud. Unfortunately for Music Dude at Whole Foods, I was having a day where I was not excelling at being patient…or nice…or peaceful…you know, typical qualities that a seasoned yogini is supposed to radiate.
Enough was enough, this guy was clearly trying to show off his music knowledge, and be pompous about it. I don’t like that sort of thing. At all. I finally look at him and say, Dude, This isn’t Nick Cave, this is “Unsatisfied” by The Replacements and the band you thought was Depeche Mode was INXS.” He was disgusted with me and went to the bread aisle and cried some patchouli scented tears. He looked like Ian (a.k.a Ray Raymond) from the movie High Fidelity. Which is ironic, because I am the female Rob Gordon.
Douchebag Music Guy at Whole Foods.
Now, if you have no clue about the movie I am referencing, bust out the Netflix and check it out. It has John Cusack in it. But first, pick up these ingredients to make your asaro. Then you will have dinner AND a movie and one hell of a way to spend a Friday Night! Just kidding, this is what I do every Friday and I am lame.
Asaro a.k.a Yam Porridge
- 1 bunch of collard greens, wash thoroughly and chop finely
- 1 large Yam
- 5 Tablespoons of coconut oil
- 1 Maggi seasoning cube
- 3 tomatoes, a good paste tomato such as Roma works best
- 1 White onion, diced
- Ground crayfish, to taste (I use about 2.5 Tablespoons)
- 1 red chili pepper
- 1 red bell pepper
- 1 green bell pepper
- 2 cloves garlic, diced
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon chilli powder
- 1 teaspoon black pepper
- 2 cups hot water
Chop and prepare the peppers for use, by removing seeds, stems etc.
Peel and slice onions in quarters
Dice yams into large chunks
Add peppers, onions, garlic and tomatoes to a food processor, and blend until a thick and chunky “sauce” forms.
Add sauce to a large stock pot, and cook on medium heat for 10 minutes, until a slight boil is achieved.
Add 2 cups of water to separate pot and heat.
Add Maggi seasoning, chili pepper, black pepper and salt.
Add diced yams to the sauce, along with the additional 2 cups of hot water.
Simmer on medium until yams are soft.
Add collard and coconut oil.
Cover and simmer on low for an additional 20 minutes,
John Cusack probably likes Asaro.